The "Invisible Suitcase" - Part 3

Unpacking and repacking the Invisible Suitcase is a very
challenging, but extremely critical process in healing.

Repacking the Suitcase

In my previous posts, we introduced the idea of the "Invisible Suitcase" and talked about the reenactment cycle. 

In this post, we will discuss how we can begin to unpack the Invisible Suitcase, and help children re-pack the suitcase with helpful, positive truth - or better yet - put the suitcase away.

The challenge with helping a child unpack their suitcase is that there are some very, very deeply held beliefs. They are deeply held, because they have been proven over, and over again.

So, where do we begin? 

The Key is You

The only person you can control is you. If we look at the Reenactment Cycle again, we see that the child is in control of 3/4 of the cycle. But, you are in control of your response. If you give the child the response they are expecting - anger, yelling, violence, etc - the cycle continues. The suitcase gets heavier.

But, if you can give them a completely unexpected response - or no response at all - you have just shattered categories - and unpacked a small piece of their Invisible Suitcase.

If the child is caught cheating on a test - yet again - and they are expecting to be kicked out of the house - and you respond by making pancakes - what message does that send? It sends the message to the child that you are able to control your emotions - and for maybe the first time - they feel safe - even though they did something wrong.

Should there be consequences for bad behavior? Absolutely. But, with the suitcase in mind - we can balance correction with praise, and deliver consequences in a way that does not trigger the reenactment cycle all over again. More on that in another post.

Timing is Key
Kids who are carrying a full Invisible Suitcase will sometimes let you know exactly what is in their suitcase. For the kid who was caught cheating on a test - when you attempt to talk with the child about the issue, they may say things like "I'm just a liar." Or "I'm a terrible person." You know -a child will argue with you until they are blue in the face - and doesn't it seem that the more you argue, the more they are convinced they are right?

I would suggest that these "episodes" are not the best time to present "positive reinforcement" to the child. Arguing with the child about whether or not they are a terrible person will likely further prove elements of their Invisible Suitcase. And, that is counterproductive.

If not then, when? And how?

In a future post, we will discuss cognitive development in children who experience trauma - including what parts of the brain are active and when. But - in short - when kids who have been traumatized experience stress, it can cause their lower brain to activate. The lower brain is in charge of the "Fight, Flight or Freeze" response. The Cortex is also known as the "thinking cap." In terms of brain function, the Cortex is generally in charge of logical thought and processing.

When a child is under stress, primary brain function changes to the lower brain - and logical thought is difficult if not impossible.

Much more on that later.  In the next post - we will talk about some ideas for how to re-pack the Invisible Suitcase.